I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
