The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
