She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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