So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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