I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
