I hope mine doesn't look like that
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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