woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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