i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
