I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
