What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
