I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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