I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
