Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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