Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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