yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
