I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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