Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
