I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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