Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
