Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
