Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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