he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
