Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
