The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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