I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
