He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
