Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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