barbara walters just said penis...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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