WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize