I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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