I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize