so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize