Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
