I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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