omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
