I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
