Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
