I want to walk on stilts...naked
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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