I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
