Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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