i need an iv and a liver transplant
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize