I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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