Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
