ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
