I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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