I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
