Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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