I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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