Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
