I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
