I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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