Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
