your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
