mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize