I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize