I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
