That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
