she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
