so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
