gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
