Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
