I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Actions speak louder than pants.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize