she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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