well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
