Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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