you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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