dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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